How to Deal With Your Baby Daddy | Epic Mommy Adventures

How to Deal With Your Baby Daddy

10 Things You Should Never Say To A Working Mom
4 Dating Tips for Single Moms

In a perfect world, single moms would not be single moms.  At least I wouldn’t be one…it’s exhausting work! I am a proud single mom but I won’t sit here and pretend like I don’t need any help.  However, that is not the reality of the world.  Many women step into being single moms of their own choice and others have no choice; they have to do what’s in the best interest of the child.

How To Deal With Your Baby Daddy | Epic Mommy Adventures #singlemom #singleparenting #coparenting

 

I really hate that term, though…baby daddy.  Someone who wanted to be really cute and creative came up with this term, but honestly Micah’s Daddy is known as my son’s father.  I think that it is more appropriate and addresses his title as more official than just baby daddy.  But I digress…

If you are single mom and you have or working on starting a co-parenting relationship with your child’s father (especially when he is a person like Micah’s Daddy), you must be mindful of a few things to keep the situation very focused.

1. Determine if you AND your child’s father actually want a co-parenting relationship.

This is number one in my opinion.  It makes no sense to put in all this extra effort into building a co-parenting relationship with your child’s father if you nor he is not ready for it.  When I was ready to talk, I texted Micah’s Daddy and scheduled a meeting with the three of us at IHOP.  It was a public place where we could have a very civil conversation.

2. Remove the emotional ties.

You can’t have a good co-parenting relationship when you’re focused on what was or what could be.  Don’t get caught up in conversations about the past or how things could have been differently.  Let it go…it is what it is.

3. Keep the conversations focused strictly on the child and the well-being of the child.

Strictly speak about your child and the things needed to be done for your child, especially in the beginning.  My conversations with Micah’s Daddy consist around sharing the costs of certain purchases, the crazy things that Micah has done for the day, times for pickup and drop-off — you know those kinds of things.

4. Be friendly but not TOO friendly.

Don’t give your child’s father the idea that because you are being friendly, there is a chance that the two of you can get back together or “getting” together.  Micah’s Daddy thinks everything I say without a scowl on my face is an opportunity.  He says he has a dream that we will get back together. Well, dream on buddy, it’s not happening! Ugh!

5. Be ready to compromise.

Now, this was definitely a lesson for me. I have grown tremendously in this past year, but even more in the past 6 months.  At one point, I was unwilling to bend and show any sign of compromise.  I just wasn’t ready for it.  Now, I know the only route to go is to be ready to compromise.

6. Don’t allow your child’s father to come in and out of your child’s life. 

Not only is this unfair to your child, it’s unfair to you. Depending on your child’s age, you will have to be the one explaining why Daddy is no longer around.  He either has to be completely in or completely out.  If he disappears, don’t allow yourself or  your child to have to continue this back and forth.  Let it go and wait until your child’s father is ready to grow up and handle his responsibilities before you try again.

7. You’re working on a relationship with your child’s father, not his entire family.

This is a multi-prong statement, so let me clarify.  Actually, I can make this very simple — work with your child’s father only.  Make arrangements with him, stay in contact with him, have conversations with him.  Just because he lives with his Mom does not mean that you have to be communicate with his mom.  The whole point of this is for you to have a co-parenting relationship with your child’s father, not the rest of his family.  Get it, got it, good. 🙂

 

Hope this helps some of you that are in a co-parenting relationship or thinking about starting one.  It’s still a learning curve for me, so I won’t even pretend to be the expert; however, these are the things that I’ve learned in the past six months that has helped me to get through these crazy times.

I have to add this little statement too.  This works both ways – I’m only speaking from the single mom perspective; however, there are fathers that have to deal with trifling baby mothers.  I can only speak from my own perspective and my own story, so don’t get offended.

Be sure to check out How to Deal with Your Baby Daddy – One Year Later, where I’m sharing tips  for those moms that have just started a co-parenting relationship or when co-parenting just doesn’t seem to be working.  These tips can apply to any phase of your co-parenting.
How To Deal With Your Baby Daddy - One Year Later | Epic Mommy Adventures #singlemom #singleparenting #coparenting

 

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About Natasha

Hi, I'm Natasha! I'm a 30-something Program Manager and blogger at Epic Mommy Adventures. Most importantly, I'm a single mom to my adorable son, who drives me nuts in one moment and melts my heart in the next. I enjoy sharing our epic stories, giving advice to other single moms, and sharing my co-parenting woes. I also share blog hops, giveaways, product reviews, and so much more. Join the fun!

Comments

  1. I just discovered your blog and this was definitely a post I needed to read! I’m about 11wks pregnant now and I know my bf and I need to discuss co-parenting (we don’t live together). Plus it’s good to have a plan just incase we don’t make it as a couple I’d hate for my child to ever have to suffer. So thanks for this post!!

    • I am so glad that this post could help you in some way. It has been a journey with my son’s father, but luckily, things have recently changed for the better! Wishing you the best! 🙂

  2. Anonymous says:

    This is just the best blog ever! My children’s father is arriving soon (from out of town), has been out of the country for two years with no contact, he now wants to see his children. Apparently the reason for the visit is work-related but he has also scheduled time for his children and me (strange). We will be meeting to discuss the expenses involved in raising two boys, I will tabulate all the expenses and we will hopefully find a plan that will most serve the needs of the children. For example, I have the children on my pension fund, he has them on his medical aid, but the expenses are still too huge on my side hence the importance of this discussion. I will continue to read your blog for I find it very useful to me as this point in time.

    Thank you for sharing your life story with us.

    • I’m so happy to hear that you enjoyed the post and that it could help you in some way! I hope things went well with you and your child’s father. Wishing you the best! 🙂

  3. Thank you for your blogs. Just happened to stumble across it. I separated from my husband and moved out of the house in July. We share custody of our beautiful daughter but the schedule I feel is too much for our 3yr old to handle. We agreed on the 2/2/3 day schedule. She cries when she knows she has to go to her fathers, she will not talk with him on the phone when he calls. He has a new girlfriend who has a child as well and she has been sleeping over at his place when our daughter is there. Is it too soon for this since I just moved out 4mos ago? He tells me that our daughter is great when she is with him but when she is with me, she will not talk of daddy and doesnt want anything to do with him. He tells me its all an act that she has. I have tried on countless times to talk and discuss the issues and concerns I have with our daughter and it gets me no where. He will not even think of changing up the schedule. Ideally I prefer to have her full time and he can see her every other weekend and even throughout the week but he said me will not go for it. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.
    Thanks!

    • Thank you so much for finding my blog and finding some help in your situation! How long has it been since you have been sharing custody? If only a short time, I would continue with visitation and try to find the source of her angst of talking to and going with her father. I agree, you do need a more stable parenting schedule and every other weekend will definitely help to make it easier. My son was the same way and it was the toughest 3 months that I ever had to go through. He would cry every time he went with his father and came home with this pent up anger that I felt was directed at me for making him go to his father’s house. One key thing is that I knew that my son’s father would cause him no physical harm, so I pushed forward with visitation. Now, it’s a lot easier on my son and the co-parenting relationship has changed for the better. Wishing you the best! If you ever need to talk, please send me an e-mail at 1epicmommy@gmail.com. Thanks!

  4. Im so GLAD I’ve found these tips 😀
    Thank you so much for writing them 🙂 I feel like this is a instruction book of my life, specially the last part: the “only him, not the entire family” :/
    That actually happens ALL THE TIME with me and I’m getting really fed up… My ‘mother in law’ (i like to call her this way, i think its prettier than ‘my ex’s mom’) is a wonderfull person, she and her husband help me a lot, I’m very thankfull, BUT: everytime I need something for the baby and I dont have any money left after the bill wave, I can’t call the baby’s dad cuz ‘he’s forgotten’ or this or that.. and I always say: no matter what you say about your own kid, Im still gonna call HIM and text HIM and ask HIM for stuff, not you nor your husband.. I have a baby with YOUR SON, not with YOU’ but then they all get mad at me and never stops… im so tired of trying to break that circle…
    But besides that, im also thankfull for him, at first for giving me my beautifull baby boy and secondly, for not going away from him.. he knows by experience how awfull it is not having the real dad arround and not even trying to create a bond with his son.. so im thankfull for that..

    Im sorry for the whole biography though but anyway: keep up the good work =**

    • I completely understand how you feel, Beatriz. I honestly have lived in the same situation. If I asked my son’s paternal grandmother for anything, she would bend over backwards to find a way to make it happen. However, I feel that is so wrong. I have a child with your son, not with you. He should learn to take responsibility for his actions and care for his child. I definitely put my foot down with that aspect of our co-parenting relationship, and although it frustrates the heck out of my son’s father, he has come to learn to accept that this is the only way it’s going to work.

      I don’t mind hearing your biography – everyone needs to vent sometimes. Feel free to e-mail me anytime at 1epicmommy@gmail.com. I’d love to share “war stories” anytime! 🙂

  5. Anonymous says:

    I really needed this! Right up my alley! Please keep up the blogs. We can all learn from each other!

  6. Yakira Willis says:

    I enjoyed reading your blog because it makes a world of difference when two parents can agree. I however am in a situation where the father of my child said “F*&% you and that baby.” It hurt me to the bone to hear him say that and 2 weeks later I still hurt. Mind you I didn’t know him very well before we had sex and the child came about because of failed birth control. We have tried to be in an intimate relationship but it just doesn’t work because he is extremely controlling. He is the type that doesn’t want me talking to any other man for any reason, I mean nothing not even happy birthday. Deep down inside I want him to be around for his daughter and its taking me to remind myself of his harsh words to avoid contacting him. What would you do?

  7. Well I attempted to leave a reply last Friday but IDK what happened…it was awaiting to be approved. But since then i actually sent my kids father a text quoting the poem you have above about “A daddy is defined By” and well he basically told me to get married and provide a father for them! No that’s exactly what he said. I had wrote to see what your thoughts were on a father coming in and out of your child’s life or no contact at all. My now 4yr old daughter dad was not at her birth and has yet to show up for not one of her birthdays. At one point after my daughter was born I believed him about wanting to be a family, so we tried it again and I got pregnant again. He was a no show for our son’s birth and didn’t see him until 6 weeks later. I can count the times he’s seen him on one hand. I’m tired of pressing him about being a father to my kids. To show up for them at school functions, to accompany my daughter on her school field trips, to maybe just take them to the park. But always he will but never does. He has chosen which kids he wants to bond with and sadly my kids didn’t make the cut but yet whenever he remembers they exist he only calls or send a txt asking how they are doing. I was all for co-parenting but I clearly don’t believe he wants much to do with them so is it wrong to just cut all ties and move on. I would never want my kids to feel they weren’t adequate enough because he was there for some of their siblings and did all the things a dad should do for them but not my kids.

    • I apologize for your comment not going through. I was switching over from Blogger to WordPress and some things were kinda funky.

      In regards to your story – At some point, you have to give up on fighting for the father to be a part of your child’s life. It is not your duty to make him a father, it is his duty to want to be a father. It seems to me that you’ve done your part already. If you haven’t done so already, I would file for child support to ensure that your children are receiving financial support from him, if nothing more. They deserve to receive that support.

      In the meanwhile, you need to focus on being the best mom that you can be. You can’t worry about things out of your control. You need to focus on your children and making sure that they have an awesome Christmas.

      Maybe he’ll come around, maybe he won’t – you just need to let go and let him find his way.

      Hope this helps!

  8. Hello natasha, your post makes all the sense in the world, until you actually attempt it. My child is now 4 years old and her father and I had split since she was 2. He barely did anything when we was together and nothing since we split. He don’t call to talk to her, and when it’s convenient for him he will pick her up. All he cared about was trying to make a family and get back with mommy. After 4 years I got tired of trying to coach him along with parenting, so I finally filed for child support. I’m not a believer in it but thought it over long and hard. However he lives a social life like he the best father in the world, but we all know the real truth to that. It just disgusts me to see my child love her father which I can’t take away I just smiling and nod. I don’t like the fact that he’s using her to prove the world he’s great dad. My question to you is should I even complete the support process. It’s bad enough he thinks I’m a bad person because I would not let him take her out of town. I feel he can’t do it at home there’s no way she going out of town with him. Is that a bad idea. I’m just fed up, and now have a present male role model in her life who she adores and no I’m not replacing her father, just giving her a replica of what a man suppose to be.

    • Hi Desiree, thanks so much for reading my post and submitting this comment. I really do appreciate it!

      First and foremost, this post is really for those where both parties want to start a co-parenting relationship. Although you’re ready, it doesn’t sound like your daughter’s father is ready. This will only frustrate you, as you have the desire to have her father be the man and father that she deserves. You hate watching the love that your daughter has for her father, especially when you know that he’s just using her as a pawn to win Daddy of the Year. I hear you and feel you on all points. Trust me, I really do. I feel the same way many times with my son’s father. But you know what? You have to let that go. Don’t worry about what he’s faking and attempting to do. As long as he’s not putting her in any harm, let him continue to pretend that he’s being Daddy of the Year. Your daughter is building a relationship with her father, and that’s all that matters. Some children cannot say the same. There are many with fathers that don’t even acknowledge their children – don’t even think about their children from day-to-day.

      You asked whether or not you should pursue the child support – absolutely! And while you’re at it, I would file for mediation to set up regular visitation. It should not be that when it’s convenient to him that he’ll come by to get his daughter. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. It’s either you’re fully in, or you’re completely out. Also, this will help with you not wanting him to take her out of town. That can all be spelled out in the visitation order. Don’t allow him to let you feel like you’re a bad person and as a matter of fact, it doesn’t matter what he thinks.

      You’re right – no one can replace her father; however, I completely understand your need to present to your daughter what a man is supposed to be and how he is supposed to act. That will definitely help in the years to come.

      Wishing you the best! And feel free to e-mail me any time at 1epicmommy@gmail.com should you need someone to talk to!

  9. Thank you soo much for your response. I was feeling some type of way and so I looked up your blog and you’ve hit the nail on the head! I do not to stop fighting for him to be in their life, it’s too draining. I attempted once more to ask if he wanted to co-parent or to find out what type of father if one at all did he want to be, to actually sit down and discuss this…he agreed to it but it didn’t happen and it won’t until he chooses to step up…if he ever chooses to. I am really trying to accept it and let it go but the head and the heart aren’t functioning on one accord. And it plays on my heart because I feel like they are missing out on something. My daughter wants that male attention and it shows through her interaction with her gymnastic and basketball coach. She comes home every week stating how her coaches love her and she just lights up about it and i know its because of the attention and the positive feedback or affirmation they give her. Something she lacks from her father. But I do understand that i can’t force anyone to do anything and having positive male role models in her life are good for her and I must be thankful for what I have. Thanks so much again:) btw…they did have a nice christmas:)

    • I don’t have a little girl myself, but I completely understand. You wish that the positive male role model in your daughter’s life could be her own father, and you are heartbroken by this. I wish the same for my son. Although his father is in his life, I still worry if it is in the way that I had always hoped or if this is just another task for his father to handle. Your daughter’s father has to step up to the plate and be willing to make the sacrifice, just as you did, to raise your child.

      I wish you the best! And I’m so glad that all of you had a great Christmas! Feel free to send me an e-mail anytime to chat – 1EpicMommy@gmail.com. Thanks for your comment! 🙂

  10. error on previous comment, I meant to say that I DO NEED TO STOP FIGHTING FOR THEIR DAD TO BE IN THEIR LIFE….typo

  11. Sherii M says:

    I loved this post because it has help me understand why my baby father all of a sudden wants to be with me “I’m being to nice”.. We were friends before we had a child and so when we talk I still tell him stuff as a friend but I’m in a new relationship I really don’t have these feelings he thinks he has for me, I hope when I tell him I’m not going into any relationship with him it don’t affect the way he participates in our sons life, we have a great situation and him feeling some type of way is causing muddy waters! Ahhhhhh men

  12. The Other Man says:

    You hit the nail on the head with this one Natasha. I am involved with a woman that needs to hear this from another woman. It comes off different from a man’s perspective, but you are totally right, it alleviates all the drama, especially if your not trying to be with the father of your child. Trust me I know how men can be. I just wanted to say I appreciate you for having this on-line and available not for just women but for men who are involved with the women who have kids with an ex. Hopefully you understand what I am saying. Anyway I think the 7 commandments for the Baby Daddy is great and plan to share this with other people also.

    • I completely understand where you are coming from! I believe that everything that I’ve mentioned in this post is valuable to both the mother and the father in a co-parenting situation. And you’re right – sometimes its best to hear this from another woman instead of a man, especially when that man is your child’s father. It is just taken a bit differently. I wish you the best in your situation and hope that you can create a great co-parenting relationship!

  13. Hi I just read this and it helped feel alittle better about my situation but I am still very doubtful about my own babies father. I’m only 9 weeks far along, looking for a better or another job and the babies father does not want to contribute , look for a job, find the motivation to be able to help to provide for his child on the way. I am doing everything on my own and feel like I might as well be a single mother because he does not want to grow UP or leave behind his old life to become a father. I’m confused and have just been trying to help him realize that the baby will be Here soon And Its just so tiring. Because he tries to tell me he will change but.o see nothing of the sort. I don’t want my baby to grow up with a shitty parent like how my mother was to me. Help!

    • I’m sorry to hear about your situation – both with your baby’s father as well as with your mother. It’s hard to listen to someone say they are willing to change, but they aren’t taking the steps to change. You wonder if it will happen and you feel that there is time, but really and truly time will fly by if you don’t make some changes. Hold your baby’s father to some requirements and provide a time frame. You need to have things together before your child arrives. You don’t want to end up in the situation where you are caring for your child all on your own. To me, it sounds like you already know that he is not going to change. Therefore, you have to do what’s best for you and your child. Whatever decision you make, I wish the best for you and your child. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting! Please feel free to e-mail me at 1EpicMommy@gmail.com if you ever need to talk. Thanks! 🙂

  14. Great blog!! I now know where to start. My son is 6 weeks old and I am trying to end the relationship w/ his father. He’s not taking the breakup seriously and I need to establish boundaries. I totally understand your comments on making the convo stay focused on the child, the public meeting, etc.

    • Glad to hear that this post helped you, Rhema! It sounds like you’re having a hard time with your son’s father – wish all goes well. Feel free to reach out to me via e-mail at 1EpicMommy@gmail.com should you need to chat! Hope you have a great week! 🙂

  15. I ran across this on a really tough Mothers’ Day. My son’s father and I just split, and a motions have been running high. Your post put me in a mature, directed mind frame that is essential to be able to carry on for my son. Happy Mothers’ Day.

    • I’m sorry to hear about your split and you having a tough Mother’s Day. I hope this post gives you peace of mind to allow you to enjoy your Mother’s Day. Thanks so much for stopping…and Happy Mother’s Day! Wishing you the best! 🙂

  16. leigh ann says:

    ATTENTION NATASHA!!!!

    i need help on what to do with my sons father!! i have an 8 year old autistic(high functioning) son his dad and i broke up when he was one. we were together from the ages of 15-22 years old…when i was around 18 i admitted cheating however he stayed i became pregnant 3 years later, i dont think he ever truly got over it. he is now married to a lady with four kids from someone else (he only has the one son eith me) ive matured gotten over the fact hes not paying child support and gets my son when he pleases…i dont want to keep my son from him so when he calls i let him go. but he is soooooo disrespectful he calls me every name in the world all the time for no reason its gotten to the point where we cant even talk without him getting angry he says hes mad simply because im his sons mom…and i have him on child support(that he doesnt pay mind you)….im getting so fed up with him its been 7 years of pure hell! please give me some advice on how to handle him please!!!!!!!

  17. Great advice! I took this a step further and published a book about it. Check out out! Also like us on fb.com/dealwithyobd.

  18. Hey Natasha and fellow ladies,

    First I want to start off by saying sorry ladies, because this situation truly sucks and I know. I found this website Web browsing late in the am last week and still defied one of the rules
    smh….. I’ve been through my entire pregnancy alone I told him I was pregnant. He had lost his job and residency and decided to move in with his parents out of state. He hasn’t seen his son since he came for the birth five months ago. He stayed for six.days and returned. He doesn’t even want to keep a mobile line to contact him which.is so annoying And disrespectful it infuriates me. I had to hunt down what job.site he works at and I call up there pathetically and he doesn’t call back after he says my managers watching call you later. He claims he wanted us to move out of state and how things would be.better.but you can’t even keep a line on. So, I got a email from his mom responding to pics I sent via google.+ and I starting communicating with her more. Then I decided to text her and blew up when she said he’s doingall he can do.. When he doesn’t send money frequently his time.or anything. She told me I was.negative and that’s why I or my son call you. I began to text argue with her she said just get some welfare. You should’ve used birth control or kept your legs closed
    She’s never met her first grandson and with this disrespectful attitude I don’t think she will. Some days I want to go confront him do you think it’s to much? Should I go and try to see if he’s willing to be in his kids life or just take these as gestures he’s not ready. Help…!!!!

    • I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this – it is truly a tough situation. I think confronting him would be a little too much. He needs to decide whether he will be a part of your child’s life or not. You have been doing some outreach and it sounds like he’s still not interested, so the next step is to back off. Start making some decisions now on how you will be able to do it on your own – whether that means filing for some sort of government assistance, child support, or a combination of the two. You can’t pressure him into being a father; only he can make that choice. Wishing you the best!
      Feel free to reach out to me at 1epicmommy@gmail.com any time if you’d like to chat. Thanks for commenting!

  19. Thanks, Natasha …..

    Your right I should back off because I’m just making myself be more subjective to bs going this route. Idk why I want to see him in person before finalizing leaving the situation alone ? Well, I know I called up to his job yesterday and they said he was at lunch . It was then that it hit me chill and let him contact you. Should I answer when he calls? I need an effective approach, and thanks so much for your response…

  20. I was with my ex for 6 yrs, 
    Our daughter was planned, she is 3 now and we ended our relationship 4 months ago. He pays child support but he won’t be apart of her life. He hasn’t seen or talked to her for 4 months. I begged him to see her but he won’t respond to me. We didn’t end things good. 
    He got into another relationship a few weeks after we ended things and I didn’t take it very well. So I’m not sure what his intentions are with our daughter. She asks about seeing him and I used to tell her he’s busy or working. Now she tells me he’s not working and she thinks he loves her. 
    I’d never tell her anything to hurt her! So I just tell her that he loves her and that’s all I say. 
    When she asks if she can see him , I tell her no but I’m starting to look like the bad person in her eyes !! What do I tell her?
    I don’t want to hurt her! And I don’t want to get her hopes up telling her that maybe one day she can see him. 
    When she’s asks me why she can’t see him, what do I tell her?
    I told her she can see him when she’s older like me. Was that wrong to say? She asked me why not today! 
    I don’t think he’s a horrible guy but I don’t think he’s a good parent! He has custody of his 15 yr old daughter and he blames that on me! So she lives with him and she still feels rejected by him! He got custody of her because we were together and I was able to take care of her while he worked nights. He no longer works nights.
    So either way my daughter will feel it! 
    He also drinks daily and has a really short fuse !! He never had patience with her! I don’t think he wants to be a father. 
    He was curl to my oldest daughter also. He told me.,
    ” I only had one f’en kid with you! Don’t ask me if I want to see her too” That really hurt! She is 11 and can tell he don’t like her! 
    I think he would be good for our daughter if he only saw her once a week for a couple hours. Any more then that scares me. I don’t think he can handle more then that!! He has no patience !! And she is a hand full !! She’s 3 so what do you expect ! Plus the last time he saw her she jumped on him and he got so mad!! He threw her really hard into the floor !! That was the end of our relationship!! 
    So do I file for sole custody chancing that he might get mad and get her every other weekend ? Or do I just let it be and chance that he could get a hair up his butt and take her from me one day?
    The only thing that will make him mad is paying more child support ! Right now he gives me what he thinks he should.
    He won’t pay for half of her medical .., when I asked him he told me to “F off! I give you enough “. I don’t think id get much more if I filed… Maybe $80 more plus medical! 
    I’m so confused on what to do and say!
    I heard he was telling everyone I wouldn’t let him see our daughter! I don’t know if it’s true but I told his family that they could come over to see her because I didn’t want them thinking that! His family hasn’t seen her but I figured they wouldn’t! I just don’t want them to be able to tell my daughter that I kept her away from them! It was their choice! 🙂 

  21. “Micah’s Daddy thinks everything I say without a scowl on my face is an opportunity.”

    Aha! So that’s a thing, then. Not just the craziness I experience!

    Great post. I appreciate all of your tips.

  22. Hi Natasha,

    I have a question. My son’s father and I had a one night stand t. I met someone else and found out that I was pregnant. I told my son’s father about the pregnancy and his response was “oh”. I then decided to keep my son and continue with my life. When I was 6 months pregnant he sent me a message to ask how me and the baby was doing and nothing after that. A month after my son was born, I made contact with him and he came over to see him. He said that he would like to part of his son’s life and will see us the next day but never came back and didn’t even bother to send a message. A month before my son turned 1 years old, he made contact again and said that he wanted to see his son. I again allowed him to see his son and then he broke the news to me that he had a fiancé of 4 years and she is pregnant now. I was shocked but I was fine with it and met his fiancé as well. They met my son and then the fiancé couldn’t take it anymore and we ended up arguing. So I told them both to stay away from my son as I don’t want people coming in and out of his life. My son’s father has never paid any money for his son and he didn’t sign the birth documents either. Since the argument we texts every 6 – 8 weeks to ask how his son is and that is it. I asked him if we could talk but every time he is too busy to meet up with me to talk about his son. He always have an excuse as to why he can’t make it. Until I recently told him to stay away from us. Now he is bothering my sister and telling her that he wants to be part of his son’s life and she should talk to me. My son is now 13 months old and is the happiest child on earth. My boyfriend also signed the birth documents and have been taking care of my son since the day he was born. So he does have that father figure in his life and calls my boyfriend of 2 years “dada”. Should I allow my son’s father to be part of our lives again and wait for him to walk out again? Please advice

    • First off, I’m glad to hear that your son has a father figure in his life in your boyfriend. Especially with your son’s father coming in and out of his life since before he was born. In my honest opinion, you should not rush to allow him back in your son’s life. He would have to prove that he’s ready to be an active parent in your son’s life. That means, scheduling time to meet you in a park so he can have some quality time with your son – and most importantly, sticking to the schedule, calling to ask about your son more frequently, and just all around being there for your son. You have to allow him the chance to try to be a part of your son’s life; however, he has to work to make this successful. Don’t call him or reach out to him with any updates on your son – let him do that! Don’t ask him if he’s still on schedule – either he shows up or he doesn’t. Then you know what you have to do – keep moving forward. You don’t want the guilt later on of your son judging you for keeping his father out of his life. It is better to say that you’ve made the attempt several times and he just didn’t reciprocate. Hope this helps! Wishing you the best! Feel free to e-mail me anytime at 1EpicMommy@gmail.com.

  23. Nina Singh says:

    Hello Natasha,
    So glad I came across your blog….just had a few questions though….okay, so plain and simple….I have strong feelings for my child’s father and yes I will be the first to admit that I made a mistake, after lots of trials and tribulations we are finally able to work together for our son’s benefit, its hard though to accept his relationship with the very woman who got pregnant on purpose and has a daughter with him now and the little girl is 2 years old (and I am not going to do any name calling here) and this woman was responsible for our broken relationship…..its not out of anger I am saying this but if she was educated and intelligent it would be one thing but she comes from a family that’s neither educated, nor cultured nor has the basic social etiquette. I cannot and will not let her be a part of my son’s life, neither she nor her family is welcome around my son. Only my son’s dad and his family (I mean blood and his daughter included of course are welcome), his family hates me because of their own prejudiced notions and they have never met me!!! Please people, do not comment here to tell me what is wrong with me but I needed an avenue to share…

    • Hi Nina, it’s really tough to go through a co-parenting relationship with your child’s father when they are in a relationship with someone else. Your strong feelings for him, compounded by his new relationship realizing the circumstances and the fact that you don’t like the other woman, is bound to create an uncomfortable environment. However, it is time to let all of that go. You should continue to work on building a positive co-parenting relationship between yourself and your child’s father for the best interest of your son. Create your boundaries and expectations, of course, but truthfully you cannot truly control what goes on when your son is with his father. Now, I say that, but I know it’s hard – and sometimes you just make up your mind to just protect your child from all the nonsense. But if your son’s father is willing to step up and you trust his judgment to protect your child while with him, AND he’s actually willing to be in your son’s life, you have to accept that and be assured that your son’s father has your son’s best interests in mind too. If you don’t feel confident of this, then you need to truly have a conversation with your son’s father about what to expect, and what you will not allow, and take action to make sure it happens. Hope this helps! Wishing you the best! Feel free to reach out to me any time at 1EpicMommy@gmail.com. Thanks for sharing!

  24. Hi wonderful moms,so glad I came across this blog . actually am ewally confused atm dnt knw what to even think of my son’s dad,well lemme explain in details .he was this guy that was always chasing me around met him through a friend in 2010 then we just had a fling nd I didnt see him again till 2012,nd we met 3times nd I took in,bt then I was with another guy who wanted to marry me bt I didnt knw I was pregnant until moved in with my fiance bt we never had sex because he was in another state .so I was sure of the father.when I found out I called my now BD nd told him abt it.he said we should wait till the child is born for him to be sure it his.so I informed my fiance nd he agreed to take care of us.so when the child was born my BD started showing interest nd even send the names he wanted to give him bt never send money for up keep . After my son 1st birthday he niw demanded for him to be with the child.well to cut the story short.we moved in nd I left the other guy to give my son his daddy.bt now we live together my BD does nt shw me love or care abt my needs,he has different girls he go out with . sleep out nd do whatever he likes nd does nt respect my feelings.bt he is taking good care of our son.i feel broken because I ve grown to love him bt all I get is resentment. I dnt knw what to do.i ve asked him to let me go for him to be with who he loves bt he does nt want me to take my son nd does nt want me to leave.i realky dnt knw what he wants pls I need advise.am always in tears .over my mistake I love my son so much nd dnt want to loose him.

  25. So I am in a CRAZY situation… I just got out of a 11yr relationship, the first guy I started messing around with, ended up being married… and now my due date is May 20th… sucks but I’m not the type of woman that can give up a baby. But now he is SAYING that he is moving…BEFORE the baby is born.. if he moves and DOESN’T tell me his address… How am I suppose to get him to take responsibility for the baby??

    • Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your story. Unfortunately, if he moves and doesn’t share his address, it will be very difficult to take him to court. Hopefully, his number will stay the same so you can continue to ask him for his information. If not, you have to put yourself in the situation to raise your child on your own. You can’t force him to take responsibility for his child, he has to want to do it. And if he’s not willing to do so, then it’s his loss. Wishing you the best!

  26. Those where really helpful tips my problem wit my sons father he left us to be with other woman with four kids our second son is 2months old my oldest 17months he doesnt do anything for them he a good dad when he wants to be the only time he comes around is to ask for money smh i have to pay him to see his kids

    • I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, Carina. It’s really sad that he only comes around when he wants money. However, I hope that you’re not really giving him money to see his kids. That would be a real shame.
      Wishing you the best!

  27. my child’s father and I have just broke up and I am a firm believer in having no contact while I get myself together. So how should I respond if he calls or texts about seeing our son? Should I let him? I honestly feel like it won’t be good for me and where I am trying to go. While I was pregnant and even now, I have been the caretaker and main provider for our child. It gets very confusing because I don’t want to keep my child away, but at the same time he’s not benefiting us. Please help!

    • Hi Jasmine, I would not recommend completely disconnecting from your child’s father if he is still interested in building a relationship with your child. You can build a good co-parenting relationship and work on getting yourself together at the same time. Don’t refuse your child’s opportunity to build that relationship because of your own emotions – it will only affect your child in the long run.

      However, if your son’s father is not currently engaged or is in and out of your child’s life, I would recommend that you spend the time working on yourself and being the best mom you can be for your child.

      It’s understandable that you want to work on getting yourself together, but not at the risk of affecting the relationship building between your child and his father. I hope this helps – wishing you the utmost best! Thanks for sharing!

  28. Heather says:

    Some more of these tips are helpful but what about in my situation… My son is 7, never met his father never knew of him BC I met his “daddy” when I was pregnant. The “daddy” was around for the first 4 years. Then we had severe problems and he left, no questions asked. A year later a began dating someone my son knew as a friend they hit it off, my son called him his “step dad “. 2 years later he decides to move out and stay away. Now just recently cse opened a case and did a paternity test for my sons birth father. We’ve spoke on a weekly basis for weeks. I’ve explained my sons ADHD and defiance disorder and explained he has had emotional upsets and can’t take anymore disappointments. The birth father wants to meet my son. But only if his 3 year old can be there too. I explained everything to my son and he asked me “mom… I want to meet my bio dad but me you and him need to sit and talk before I meet my younger brother.” His birth father refuses to grant my son this ine thing. I’ve never asked for anything even though he claims he always knew my son was his. With my sons medical condition AND mental state how should I handle this? The biodad is threatening to file for clfull custody BC I am allowing my son to make his own decision.

    • I would recommend that you have a conversation with your child’s father. It’s unacceptable that after all this time, he would put a requirement on meeting his son and stick to it in such a way, especially if your son is against it. He has to understand that your child has experience a lot of disappointments and is cautious about building a new relationship with a male figure. If your child’s father cannot understand that, then it may not be worth initiating the relationship. He has to walk into this with an understanding that he has to build the trust and respect of his child. Wishing you the best! Hope it all works out well.

  29. Baby girl says:

    I glad I found this site.. I was really was over my head with my son father.. He is in a relationship with someone.. but ever time she leaves him he comes back to me.. we were both was living in different state until I decided to move close so my son could get to know him and his family… now that I live with him and his family.. He still treat me like shit.. we have been sleep with one another even though he has someone else.. I really love this man.. but I just been getting hurt by him left and right.. I try not to give in but it’s so hard.. but if you any suggestions that I could help me please reply back to me thank you..

    • I think you have answered your own question. You need to learn how to let go. I understand it’s hard, that you love him, and that you have a child with him, but you cannot – and I repeat cannot – allow someone to treat you like shit because of these reasons, or for any other reason at that. He is in a relationship with someone and still messing around with you. He is playing with your emotions, your heart, and leaving you brokenhearted and unsure of yourself. That is not fair to you at all, and surely not fair to your child. you both deserve so much more than that. You have to let go – for yourself and for your son. Feel free to e-mail me at 1epicmommy@gmail.com if you need someone to talk to. Wishing you the best!

  30. Hi Natasha,

    Very informative blog.

    Well, i was dating a guy for about a year. All this time, he made it very clear that he doesnt want to have a baby, and so we played it safe. Unfortunately or fortunately, i got preganant and I am 14 weeks now.

    He was so furious when I told him that I was pregnant, and he wanted me to have an abortion. I am in my early 30s, with a nice paying job, and I refused to abort, and instead, I am keeping the child. Since he is so angry with me, he doesnt want anything to do with me nor the pregnancy, and we havent been speaking ever since.

    Its obvious that I am going to be a single mother with this situation, but I wanted to know if he will be part of the baby after its born. When i asked him, he seemed to want to be part of the baby after its born but not now.

    I would really want my baby to have a daddy-figure in his/her life. So this situation is just confusing me. What do you think I should do? Kindly advice.

    • Hi Loly, first off – congratulations on your pregnancy. Regardless of the circumstances in which your child was conceived, it is a beautiful thing to bring a child into the world. Almost every single mom that I have talked to has gone through similar feelings like the ones that you are mentioning. I would love to have my son’s father in his life; however, it’s very likely never going to happen. My first priority, though, is to myself and my son. And yours should be to yourself and to your unborn child. Don’t worry about what he’s going through and what he is going through, he has to work through those feelings himself and determine if he wants to be a part of your child’s life. You cannot force it in any way – you just have to focus on you and your child, and do what’s best for you both at this time. I hope this helps! Feel free to contact me any time at 1epicmommy@gmail.com. Wishing you the best of luck!

  31. My wife’s baby father has been a fixture in our marriage for the whole 12 years there for his daughter but .. also always a crutch friend giver and etc to my wife.. we separated 3 times in the twelve years and he’s always been there the first time she was sexual with his the other two times confided in him talking about us and spending time with him….. now that were back and have been strong for a year. She’s cordial with him and has even tooken gifts from him…

    What do i do how should I feel she said I need to get over the past and trust her nothing is going on and that all she wants is me

    • I’m sorry that you have had to go through this, Brandon. It is tough to have to deal with your wife confiding in her baby’s father about your relationship, and even having him be there for her emotionally and sexually when things didn’t work out between the two of you. Because of their past, I don’t blame you to feel somewhat concerned about her continued relationship with him. I would suggest having a serious conversation with your wife about how you feel and the impact that their relationship is having on your relationship. It is acceptable for them to have a co-parenting relationship and even be cordial, but everything else seems very inappropriate and unacceptable in my eyes. You will definitely have to decide how much you’re willing to accept in this relationship too. I don’t know both sides of the story, but it doesn’t seem fair that you would have to accept this kind of behavior from your wife. Hope this helps! Wishing you the best!

  32. Hi Natasha! This is an excellent post. I’m not a single mom but I know several single moms including one of my sisters. I know it’s one of the toughest jobs in the world and I respect and admire single moms who are doing it right, like my sister, you, and others. I love the way you started the post. I can’t stand the phrase ‘baby daddy’ for the same reasons you mentioned. I think your tips on co-parenting make perfect sense and are right-on! Well done!
    Why don’t you have any sharing buttons?

    • Thanks so much for enjoying my post, Vashti! It’s so true, it is difficult for single moms, but I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s unbelievably rewarding! Co-parenting is so very important to the well-being of all involved. Without it, it only becomes that much harder for the single parent.Thanks for the kudos! 🙂

      P.S. I do have sharing buttons, but it’s at the bottom of the post. I don’t know why – but I’m going to fix it! 🙂

  33. kayla hylton says:

    i was looking up things that i should talk to my babys father about because we are no longer together. I tried to work things out and some things changed and others simply have not. It is hard on me because I want to do whats in the best interest of our daughter and it seems like all he can do is put me down and tell me what im doing wrong and he just wants to control everything. I have no doubt that he will be a good father, However i know it will never workout between us and its hard when he has this image of some picture perfect family instead of the reality and he blames me for everything making me feel like its all on my shoulders i wanna co parent but he makes it hard cause he makes every conversation about he and i

    • I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this, Kayla. It is very difficult to co-parent when the other parent has unrealistic expectations about the relationship overall, and it is even more difficult when you feel that the other parent is trying to control everything and break your spirit. But you mentioned something in your comment that is key to making this better – you want to do what’s in the best interest of your daughter. You have to start with not allowing him to treat you the way that he does. Your daughter does not need to be around that, and regardless of the circumstances, you don’t deserve to be treated in this manner. Just because you want your child’s father to be in her life and you think that he will be a good father doesn’t mean that you have to accept any kind of behavior. You have to stand up for yourself and demand the respect that you rightfully deserve being a woman, and the mother of his child. You have to work on building up the relationship (meaning being cordial and respectful to each other) before you can successfully co-parent. And you also have to realize that if he is not willing to do this, that you may be not be able to successfully co-parent. I hope that this helps. Wishing you the utmost best!

  34. I stumble upon your blog and just want to say you are making some valid points.My daughter’s dad barely gives support its irregular maybe I would get 50 or 90 next month or maybe nothing unless I beg.There is always something going on his life preventing him from doing or giving her something. He never contacts her and he comes maybe once or twice a month for her most times I initiate it. I don’t know how else to encourage him to be more of a dad.

    • That’s the problem – you can’t encourage him to be more of a dad. He has to have an interest in being a better dad for it to actually happen. As you can tell, anything that you say or do cannot change his willingness to be an engaged parent. I would suggest a few things, 1) file for child support – your daughter deserves to be financially supported by both of her parents. 2) realize that you can’t make him into the perfect dad – understand that he is who he is and realize that you can’t make him into the dad that he should be.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and enjoying my blog! I’m truly sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Start taking the tips necessary to make things better for you and your daughter, and focus on being the best parent that you can be. Wishing you the utmost best!

  35. pupumpkin says:

    hi I have a 2yr old and his dad is not in his life at all he does not try and does not care, when we see him in public he doesn’t acknowledge us at all. his mother and dad, step dad, sister aunt and brother do more for our son then he has ever done, I’ve tired everything I can think of to get him involved in our son life, in the past he would tell me he wants to be there but when the time comes hes gone, he has even gone far enough as to cut ties with his sister. he keeps using the excuse that hes not ready to be a dad but I know its because of a ex of his, she never wanted kids and he broke up with me the day I told him I was pregnant and started dating her instantly while keeping his child and I a secret. idk how she found out about the both of us but she broke up with him instantly, she then msg me on facebook asking if I was having his kid I said talk to him, she then tells me that they broke up because she told him she didn’t want kids and he lied about “us” she then says that’s not why I really broke up with him I don’t care if he has a kid id be ok with that I just never wanted any, but I broke up with him bcauz i’m bi and I wanted my ex gf back i’m in love with her. I told her that was between them and I wished her luck, but since then he has blamed our son and I for ruining the relationship with the “love of his life” I try telling him that staying away from ur son is not going to get her back when she never loved you but he says he wished he never met me and that I never had our son. I haven’t talked to him in over a yr now and I guess my question is how do I talk to him? his family says he goes back in forth wanted to be there and not wanting to see his son and they are so sick of it. I am too. I always wanted my child to have there father like I had mine but it doesn’t seem like that will happen what should I do?

    • Thanks so much for checking out my blog, and for sharing your story.
      In my opinion, there seems to be a lot of drama going on with your child’s father and his ex. I would stay far away from that drama if you can! In regards to how to engage him in your child’s life, honestly, you should not do anything at this point. He needs to show interest in your child, and engage you. You shouldn’t be tracking him down to get involved in your child’s life. It’s great that his family is helping you and involved in your child’s life – this is definitely a great asset. Be sure to nurture that relationship because your child needs to know his family on both sides. In regards to your child’s father, he needs to figure things out for himself and when he’s ready, he will approach you. I understand the want for your child to have his father around – I have those same wants and needs. However, things don’t always turn out like you want them to. Right now, you have to focus on taking care of your son and being the best parent you can be! Wishing you the utmost best! 🙂

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