Let’s Talk About Sex, and the Single Mom

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First and foremost, I don’t talk about sex – it’s just not one of those things that I share with the people around me, and I haven’t really touched on it here on the blog at all. I’m going to try to break a record today and test how many times I can say sex in this post – I never talk about it. It’s so incredibly weird, but I feel the desire to share today.

 

Sex is taboo…especially when it comes to the single mom. If she’s having sex, it’s expected that she beware so that she doesn’t end up pregnant again and a single mom to several children. If she’s not having sex, then she’s a complete prude. Which one is it? Am I promiscuous or am I a prude? The ongoing judgment sometimes drives me nutty.

At some point in my life, although it seems like ages ago, I had a pretty active sex life. That’s how my son was born, right??!! But in recent years, it has been practically nonexistent.

For the past 2 years, I had no relationship – sexual or otherwise – with anyone. I focused on enjoying the early years of parenthood, building my career and education, and just living. But obviously that was too crazy for some people to believe because I am constantly questioned as to when I would start a relationship or at least go out and have some incredible sex with someone. It was obvious (maybe only to them) that I needed “some” in my life to take the edge off. I admit, I was on edge but I seriously doubt that having sex was going to help it – I just needed to relax. Who am I kidding, right? Yes, I needed to have sex. But it was a bit overwhelming thinking about having sex with someone.

I tried the dating thing for a little bit, hoping that I start a new relationship. Maybe just being a relationship would help me to relax a little. But unfortunately, I wasn’t ready to start dating, and it crashed and burned at every turn. I continuously hurt people that were obviously into me but that I had no interest in starting a relationship.  At first, I thought it was them, but really and truly – I wasn’t ready. And I started to feel horrible…

I was dating for a few months when I just decided to put it on the back burner for a little while…

So what do you do when you’re a single mom, horny, and not ready for a relationship? Read on!

Tips for Sex...without the Relationship

 

1. Stop repressing your sexual feelings.

Just because you’re a single mom doesn’t mean that you have to repress and forego your sexual desires. After I gave birth, I had a newfound respect for my body and had a true sexual awakening. I was stimulated in the most unexpected ways, and I was proud of what my body had accomplished – growing a baby, giving birth, creating a food source for my young infant – my body was amazing. I felt good about myself.  This sexual awakening only continued to grow when I became a single mom – I felt like I was on top of the world. My body was not perfect, but my lumps and bumps signified the journey my body went through to create life and I couldn’t have felt better about myself. So I quickly learned that I should stop repressing those sexual feelings, and embrace them. And you should too!

2. Start your own sex toy collection.

If you’re not ready to have sex with someone but you’re horny, why not have sex with yourself? After I gave birth to my son, my body changed and so did my sexual response. The things that stimulated me before childbirth no longer did, so I had to learn my body once more, and the best way to do it is to have sex with yourself. Learn to understand your body and your needs. This will not only satisfy your sexual craving, it will also prepare you to tell the new person in your life what you’re looking for out of a sexual relationship. I have my own sex toy collection, and it’s really come in handy on those rough days when I desperately need some form of release.  And there are so many options available – if you’ve never gone shopping for sex toys, please take a knowledgeable friend. You might get lost in the multiple options and want to take everything home!

3. Masturbation could be the key.

Men have been masturbating, in some way shape or form, since they were pre-teens – why can’t we as grown single women masturbate? This goes hand in hand with the sex toy collection – sometimes you need some toys to stimulate you and other times, masturbation on its own can be the key. And the best part about it – it’s completely safe! And there are some great benefits!Can you imagine how different our lives would have been if we as girls were exploring masturbation rather than rushing to break our virginity? Okay, that was more directed at me than at any one else, but you get the point. It’s easy to get completely lost in masturbation – so if you’re eventually eventually looking to get into a relationship, mix it up a little.

4.  Find yourself a good sex buddy.

I’m probably going to be completely bashed for saying this, but it’s true – find yourself a good friend and get it on. But it’s not as cut and dry as that, there are numerous steps involved.  First, you need to lay out the ground rules – what you expect, what he expects, length of time, what to do in case one starts catching feelings, etc.  And most importantly, both of you get tested (safety is key) and figure out your protection plans. We are all adults (and if you’re not, then this does not apply to you), and there’s nothing wrong with having sex with someone you trust, as long as you go through all the precautions and then some. That’s my personal opinion. I have recently consulted a long-time friend of mine to become engaged in a sexual relationship, and honestly it’s been going really well. There are no emotions tied – it’s just sex. But then again, that’s just the way that I am – I can separate sex from a relationship. Not many people can do that.  Not every sexual situation will be as cut and dry, and you have to prepare to deal with what could happen.

5. Practice celibacy.

Sometimes we get into the situation where we want sex TOO much.  Yes, it’s possible. And we have to take a step back and calm ourselves down. We start freaking out because we’ve ran through each of our toys and are no longer satisfied, we get bored with our sex buddy, and we’re just completely bored. Then you know what? You need to take a breather. It’s obvious that you’re on a level where nothing will satisfy you, and that’s not a good thing. You’ve probably been having so much sex that at this point, you just want something different, something fresh – stop, and consider practicing celibacy. Just cut yourself off, and give yourself the opportunity to calm down. I need to do this from time to time (because I get bored VERY easily), and it really helps to calm my nerves, and get out of the boredom stage.  Plus, I have the opportunity to focus on different things – other than sex.

 

Hope you enjoyed this post focused on sex…and the single mom. You may agree with most, but not all, but I hope you can appreciate where I’m coming from.  Sex is completely natural and relaxing, so whether you’re in a relationship, single, or otherwise – enjoy it! And if you’re a single mom, please have some sex (in some way shape or form), you’ll need some level of release after working so hard and raising your children. Wishing you the best!

On a side note, I definitely hit a record on the number of times I’ve mentioned the word “sex” in this post. And now I’m completely blushing…*giggles*

 

 

About Natasha

Hi, I'm Natasha! I'm a 30-something Program Manager and blogger at Epic Mommy Adventures. Most importantly, I'm a single mom to my adorable son, who drives me nuts in one moment and melts my heart in the next. I enjoy sharing our epic stories, giving advice to other single moms, and sharing my co-parenting woes. I also share blog hops, giveaways, product reviews, and so much more. Join the fun!

Comments

  1. Natasha look at you! Love the share, I am very much a sexual being I see nothing wrong with talking about it, reading or writing about it and certainly not about engaging in it. Sure after a breakup we should take some time to regroup and refocus but then hey life continues. I see nothing wrong with exploring a little of all the options you listed. Long term celibacy is not option I would choose but yes I would say great start to get person to learn about themselves and what they want. I touch on sex and relationships often all part of being a mother. A good sex buddy or FB as I call them could be nice and fun. You get to go out and enjoy a dinner or two, have some adult time outside the house and end it in fun. Just asking as you are clear on both ends of your intentions. Repressing your sexual feelings…heck no! That is not healthy approach I think :).
    Love the share sweetie hope to read follow ups soon xo!

    • Hi Mari, thanks for reading and loving the post!!! I am a sexual being as well, but I just rarely talk about it. I enjoyed writing this post, though, and I’m loving the response. Maybe I should write more about it like you! I think it’s so incredibly important for women to relearn themselves after going through a breakup, whether it’s sexually, emotionally, or physically. That way, you know what you want and need.

      I am loving your responses to some of the tips! It’s so great to see that you have both positive and negative feedback. It makes it so worthwhile!

      In some way, shape, or form, I have personally taken advantage of all of the tips. And it has truly helped me to realize one very important thing – I’m not ready to start a new relationship. I am satisfied being single, and my main focus overall is my son. But I don’t mind having some fun along the way to fill in my days.

      Thanks for the great comment! 🙂

  2. You are such a brave woman to talk about this, and I applaud you!!!! Sex is a completely natural thing, and it only hurts us when we try to repress our sexual feelings. And to go with your thought about girls understanding their bodies before they rush into sex, I think that a big part of that is sex education at schools. Teenagers are going to have sex, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. And we need to stop trying to stop them. Schools should focus on providing a sex ed course that actually helps teenagers understand their bodies, and how to be safe when having sex; instead of punishing them and forcing them into celibacy. I’m not saying I’m approving of teen sex, I’m just stating the fact. I just think that a lot more kids would make more educated decisions when it comes to sex if they actually knew the facts (instead of using scare tactics that are unrealistic). #ibabloggers

    • I completely agree with you Megan! It’s so important, especially as girls, to be better educated about our bodies and sex. In addition to receiving the appropriate sex education courses at school, we as parents need to have those open conversations with our children. We need to encourage them to talk to us about anything, including sex. I believe that with this education and open communication, teens will be able to make the best option for themselves. Thanks for your comment! Wishing you the best! 🙂

  3. Number 4 is my favourite. I have an ex boyfriend who I stayed close friends with after we broke up and every now and again we both get antsy so we catch up for a roll around in the sheets and at the end of the night I go home to my daughter feeling much more relaxed. The high I receive can last several days after. The best thing is its with someone I love and trust, so I’m not putting my body at risk of anything nasty, and we know each other so well it always just feels right. Then when we’re both back to normal we just go back to hanging out as friends. Thank you for making me feel a little less cheap about still needing sex despite the fact I’m not ready to jump back into a relationship.

    • There is absolutely nothing cheap about what you’re doing. I believe that the need for sex is a natural thing. And we shouldn’t feel bad about that at all. It’s glad that you can have that sexual relationship with someone you know and trust. And since you became good friends and you’re not looking to get into a new relationship, it makes the experience even better. I can completely understand the high that you get after sex – it breaks writer’s block for me, and it gets me relaxed and ready to take on motherhood! Thanks so much for sharing your own story. Wishing you the best! 🙂

  4. This, my friend, is a great post. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

  5. Nice post I love it

  6. I seem to be stuck on number 6. I have no clue what is wrong with me but anytime I’ve had sex in the last 4 years. I feel SO guilty. It becomes consuming- so I just don’t do it, but I’m also really unhappy not doing it either. I’m stuck in a weird limbo. I know I can handle my own “business”, but we all know it’s not the same.

    • That’s a tough one, Emily. Why do you feel guilty? Do you know when it started?
      My biggest issue is that I get bored quickly. If someone cannot stimulate my mind as well as my body, then I get bored. And then I’m ready to move on. Then I just stop being interested in sex completely for a while.

  7. CKMatthews says:

    Hi Natasha,
    First I would like to say its been awhile since I visited your site and the first thing I noticed is that your writing has improved.

    Second, I enjoyed your post.

    I have been a single mom now for all but one year out of the last 15. I have been completely celibate for the past 5 or so years.

    I prefer anything that stimulates my mind over anything that could stimulate my body. Sex, in my opinion, is highly overrated and has become something to obtain rather than a gift given and received between two people in love. Living a celibate life has been the best thing I ever did since having kids.

    One thing that is very important to remember. Exercise those kegel muscles! One of my biggest fears when I quit having sex was losing those muscles and having my inner parts fall out.

    Now that you are done laughing – take this very seriously. It happened to my Grandmother. After her husband past away she didn’t have sex and I don’t know how many years past but because of her lack of sexual activity or exercise her uterus began to fall out – literally. They had to do surgery. I don’t remember the specifics but just remember – exercise those kegels!

    • Thanks so much for the kudos! I really appreciate it.
      As far your inner parts falling out – I have heard about that as well, but I didn’t know it was a real thing. My OBGyn told me about doing Kegel exercises, especially after childbirth, and I’ve been doing it every day since.
      Thanks for your comment! 🙂

  8. Thank you so much for the article. I have been a single for a year now and I must say I’m enjoying it. I know that when you’ve been single for too long you tend to grow selfish and have low tolerance for a lot of things especially when it comes to relationships. I think I am at a point where i’m open to dating again but I’m worried about how my son is going to deal with having a new man in his mommy’s life, by the way my son is four. i’m more worried about how the whole dating thing is gonna affect my son.

    • Hi Thandi! I’ve heard the same thing (about growing selfish and low tolerance) and I somewhat believe it. I have become very comfortable being single for so long, and although I’m open to dating, it’s hard to get out of the selfish and low tolerance mode. It’s normal to fear how the dating experience will affect your son; I worry about the same thing. But I believe that it takes time. My son sees me a bit happier since I started dating, and it makes him happier. So it could be a positive experience for you both, but you just have to continue putting your son first and stay happy. Wishing you the best! 🙂

Trackbacks

  1. […] So what do you do when you’re a single mom, horny, and not ready for a relationship? Read the rest of Natasha’s column here. http://epicmommyadventures.com/2014/10/sex-and-the-single-mom/ […]

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